Over the River and Through the Woods
by Katiana
Summary: What should've happened at the Spencer Mansion but was just too random to be shown to the public...until now! (Told from Chris' perspective on the game) CH:6 Available Now!
1. A Little Stroll in the Woods

Hi all, welcome to my Resident Evil Parody/Remake, though it's not all mine you see, some credit to Capcom (only some though), and lots of credit to mine and Dawn's demented brains!!!  
  
Legal Stuff: I own nothing..except and typos and grammatical errors, those belong entirely to me!  
  
Chapter One - A Little Stroll in the Woods  
  
The S.T.A.R.S. (here on mentioned as STARS who needs punctuation anyway?) helicopter cut through the stillness of the dark and foggy night. The Bravo team had gone silent some time ago and things didn't look good.  
  
The Bravo team was sent into the woods to look into some of the mysterious murders that had claimed several victims in recent weeks. These victims were apparently...eaten.  
  
Chris Redfield sat anxiously in the helicopter. He always got that tense nervous feeling right before the start of a mission, but you'd never know by looking at him. Chris was a well built guy with spiky brown hair. (Ok, side note, if you don't know what Chris looks like by now then just leave at this very moment and go play the game or download some video files ;0) something!... moving on) Chris always kept his cool in tough situations and with this trait almost the entire STARS team looked up to Chris as a natural leader, which he didn't mind exactly but this did make him less then comfortable around their real captain, Albert Wesker. With that thought Chris seemed to subconsciously look in their captain's direction. There he was wearing his ever so popular black-on-black ensemble with those expensive designer sunglasses, but when it came down to it Wesker was cool and confident, but not one for the way of emotions but that's a whole other topic.  
  
"We're nearing the site now" said Brad Vickers through his headset. Brad. what was Wesker thinking trusting this chicken to fly the only means on transportation they had?.Chris mentally shook himself, now was not the time for this, but it was helping him to loosen up a bit so he focused his attentions on his next teammate.  
  
Joseph Frost who was just recently promoted to the Alpha team and he was visibly nervous. Chris felt bad for him with his former Bravo team members missing he had to be thinking about them. "That sucks" Chris thought to himself, and he shifted his attentions to Barry Burton.  
  
Barry had gotten Chris the position in STARS and had always been a friend to him. Barry was a pretty simple minded guy though there were only two things he really valued in life, his family, and his guns. Regardless Barry seemed to be content with this kind of life and you can't put down a person for being happy right?  
  
Only one person Chris hadn't thought about and she was sitting right next to him this whole time. Jill Valentine, she was the breaking and entering specialist of the team, and Chris tried not to chuckle at the thought, but she seemed to fall on her butt a lot at the most inopportune times! "Look over there Chris" Jill's voice rang through his thoughts dispersing them like a fan through smoke and brought Chris streaming back into reality. They'd spotted the downed chopper of the Bravos and there were no signs of movement. They started to descend, the investigation was beginning.  
  
This was it.  
  
As soon as his feet hit the firm ground the anxiety was gone. It was mission time and a complete aura of professionalism took over as the team moved out towards the Bravo chopper in the fog riddled forest.  
  
** Well you made it this far, you're either disappointed by now, or you like my cliffhanger and are waiting for more now! I hope it's the second option there, and you can all thank Dawn for writing Chapter 2 while bored in Spanish! Who wants to learn Spanish anyway? LoL Please Review!!!!!!!!!! 


	2. Want to Pet my Puppy?

**Sorry in advance for short chapters, but hey once you add them all up it'll be longer right?! =) Thanks for reviews, and I realize I was a little redundant with names, but as the number of people thins out this should become less and less of a problem.  
  
Legal Stuff: again I own nothing, not my car, not my computer, none of it except spelling errors and poor grammar.  
  
Chapter 2 - Want to Pet my Puppy?  
  
The Alpha team quickly found the Bravo's helicopter. Joseph took the lead to investigate while the rest of the team fanned out to cover the area looking for any signs of the missing Bravo members. A quick gasp from Joseph grabbed Chris' attention, and he turned around enough to just see the horribly mangled face of Kevin gazing out into nowhere. "What the hell happened out here?" Chris thought as some movement in the grass caught his attention. He had just started searching out in the taller grasses when he heard someone scream.  
  
He whirled around and followed the sound of the screams which were soon drown out by gunshots. When he finally saw the fallen Alpha member he was already dead and being munched on by.dogs. Dogs that shouldn't have been able to move let alone attack someone, they looked like they'd been lying dead in the sun for a few days and had gotten nice and ripe. Just as he was thinking this he noticed one of the mutts turn it's attentions to Jill who was just standing there pulling the trigger on her now empty gun. He saw her start backwards and catch her foot on some twigs and as usual down she went, right on her butt right as the dog made its way towards her at faster speed then any of them expected.  
  
Chris snapped out of his daze right as the dog lunged, and shot it in the side before it reached her. He ran to her side, put his arm around her and helped her to her feet, and before she had even gotten her footing yet he held onto for a few steps and started running for the chopper. Barry and Wesker gave some cover fire and as they approached the area where they'd landed earlier and Chris looked up just in time to see the spotlight of the helicopter go streaming over their heads. "Hey Brad?! Where the hell's he going?" he yelled knowing very well that Brad wasn't coming back. They continued running from the pack of dogs that was now gaining quickly upon them. They had no where to go, and it was becoming increasingly clear they weren't going to outrun their predators. Then Chris caught the hazy outline of a building "Make for that mansion" he yelled at Jill and the others. Just as soon as he had finished the words he heard a loud *THUMP* and a groan from behind them he and Jill turned almost as one and saw Barry's prone body lying at the base of a large tree. "Great timing" Chris thought to himself as he was turning to help his teammate, but as soon as he and Jill stopped the dogs were on them. Just when Chris realized and was certain they were gonna die because Barry couldn't shoot and run at the same time he heard two crisp gunshots come through the air and a few of the dogs collapsed. He turned around and there was Captain Wesker, he'd almost forgotten he was there.  
  
"Chris this way" their captain said and without another thought Chris started after him occasionally firing a few rounds here and there as the remaining members made there way to the mansion.  
  
**Well that's it another short chapter, but like I said at the beginning if you put this and chapter one together, it's a decent length ;) and hey I think I've even topped 1000 words! Anyway thanks are in order again, first to Dawn because she basically wrote this entire chapter (however I did add key points I'll have you all know!) and second thank you goes to Shady cause she helped pick out a title for this story last night around 12am, which I suppose would be this morning. Oh well minor details, anyway thanks to you both, and don't be expecting Chapter 3 for a few days I'll have to replay a bit to get some details on the Main Hall scene that's to come.until next time 


	3. And Then There Were Three

***A/N ok it's been way too long but you know holidays and all get kind of hectic. Anyway just in time for Shady's birthday I give you Ch. 3!!!!!!  
  
Chapter 3 - And Then There Were Three  
  
The three survivors hit the main door with great speed. Chris tried to listen for any sounds of the dogs, but it was no use all he could hear was the strong thumping of his heart in his ears as he struggled slightly to catch his breath. He glanced over at Jill who was practically doubled over gasping for air, but only for a minute, and behind her stood Wesker looking as calm and collected as ever.  
In the brief bit of silence he used the time to review the thoughts racing through his head. Those dogs they were falling apart at the seams.literally. "What the heck were those things?" he thought. Creatures like that just shouldn't be possible.  
Jill, who'd been running the same mental playback as Chris had a question of her own except she spoke it aloud, and quite more loudly then she had intended. "Barry!?!?" She glanced back at the door and made for it. "Jill, I wouldn't do that" the serious neutral tone of their captain said. Jill realizing it would be suicide stopped and was just turning around when two loud gunshots rang through the mansion.  
"What was that?" Jill asked. 'Gee if it sounded like gunshots what could it possibly be?' Chris thought to himself before saying "I'll go check it out" "Allright Jill and I will stay and secure this area" Wesker said. He nodded to the captain and made his way to the door closest to his left, where the sounds seemed to have come from. When he was about halfway there he turned back upon hearing Jill say "Chris.take care." He smiled and nodded before turning the knob and opening the door.  
Beyond the door was and elaborate two story dining hall with the rhythmic tick of a grandfather clock on the right side of the room. There was a long table that could've seated maybe twenty five people. However to his surprise there was only one lone chair seated to the left side of the table. In front of that a place was set with a tipped over wine glass and a half finished plate of what appeared to be.pie. Next to that was a roll of ink ribbon which he thought was quite odd until he turned around to see and old style typewriter behind him with a piece of paper half pulled out of it. He removed the paper to read a most obscure phrase upon it.  
Death. Destruction. Pumpkin pie. Do dah. Do dah.  
"What the hell?!?!" he thought "Oh well who knows this could help later, ya never know" So he folded up the paper, put it in his pocket, and continued moving through the hall. At the end of the massive dinner table was a fireplace with a decent fire roaring away within it. Above the mantel were two swords crossed over each other and hung above a shield that was set perfectly in an indent in the wall. He took one more gaze at the roaring fire and noticed it had an abnormally bright reflection in the floor at one spot. He knelt down to get a better look and as the reflection of the flames left the shiny spot he saw it was a deep unmistakable pool of red blood, but where did it come from? He quickly got up and made for the door to his right.  
As he opened the door he heard a god awful crunching sound to the left of the hallway Chris looked down the hall eyes straining in the dim light. There was a sudden flash of lightning and could make out a foot from around the corner. Partly releaved to see something human he made his way towards it. "Maybe it's Barry and he made it inside after all" he thought "but what in the world is that noise?"  
He soon found out as his eyes fell upon a horrible scene. There were two men, one seizing on the floor, and the other hunched over him.eating him?! "HOLY SHIT!!!!" Chris yelled in his head because he wasn't in a position to say much of anything that would form words right now. He cautiously took a step back the floorboards creaked beneath his shifting weight. The cannibal man heard this and looked back at him leaving his now dead prey behind.  
The man wasn't much of a man anymore, his pupils had long since lost their color and it was hard to tell if it was looking in any direction, and his skin was hanging off of his bones in the places where the flesh still clung to bone oozed an unnatural kind of blood. It stood and started towards him arms outstretched and ready for its next warm meal.  
  
**Ok that's it for now, don't want to spoil you both with long chapters now ;) look for next one sooner then this one came out 


	4. Is Anyone Out There?

***A/N Ok it's been way too long folks, with holidays, and frigid weather, and illness things got sidetracked, but thanks to Dawn, I now proudly present what hopes to be a fairly lengthy Chapter 4.  
  
Chapter 4 - Is Anyone Out There?  
  
Chris backed away and evaded the zombie and ran back through the dining room to the main hall. As soon as he walked through the double doors he noticed that nobody was there, he tilted his head to look on the upper levels of the room, no one. "Wesker?! Jill?!" Chris yelled as he resumed walking around the main hall. "Where did they go?" Then he noticed a handgun on the floor where Jill had been standing when he previously exited. Chris picked up the gun and decided to search for his lost teammates through the door directly opposite the dining room, and be as far away from that. thing in the other room as possible.  
Lifelike portraits and photos lined the walls of the room. They seemed to stare at Chris as he walked passed. There was also a statue in the middle of the room. According to the plaque it was of a "Woman Drawing Water". While looking up at the statue he noticed a rolled up piece of paper sticking out of the jar the stone woman was holding. He saw a small dresser across the room and pushed it over to the statue. He hoisted himself up and reaching into the jar and opened the paper to reveal a map of the first floor. 'Why would someone hide a map in a statue that is out of reach?' Chris wondered, 'Then again why would someone own a mansion in the middle of nowhere filled with cannibalistic dead people and rotting zombie dogs?' Chris stopped his mental wanderings and went to check out the small hallway he had gained better access to while moving the dresser in the back of the room. The hallway hooked around in the shape of a U and seemed to be for storage of what else art supplies!  
At the end of the short hallway there was a bookcase with a dagger on the shelf. 'I wonder what this is doing here, not very artistic now is it?' he thought. However he decided to take the dagger because it could come in handy with those.zombies around. 'Though I really hope they don't get close enough for me to use this' he noted as he rounded the corner on route to the main hall. As his focus lay elsewhere for that brief time he rounded the other corner and nearly ran smack dab face first into a zombie. Startled he retreated backwards yet again, but this time he tripped. As he fell on his butt he though about Jill. He quickly recovered as the hungry man approached. Chris backed away trying to think of what to do until he bumped into a bookcase, then he remembered the gun he had picked up and quickly proceeded to shoot the zombie five times in the chest before it grabbed him. The stench was unbearable even to the point it might knock someone unconscious, he had to something quick before he became the latest on the zombie menu. He pulled out his newfound dagger and promptly stabbed the zombie right in the side of the head with it. The dagger went in with a sickening crunch and the zombie collapsed, a pool of blood quickly surrounding the fallen creature.  
He rushed back to the main hall and collected himself, trying to regain some of his sanity, but only some, he decided to go back through the dining room. As he went by the dining room table he noticed there was considerably much less pie then there was before. 'That's weird, creepy.and I don't think I want to know' he thought. When he entered the room with Kenneth's body, he immediately looked for the zombie that had been snacking on him earlier. He spotted him down the hall way on his far right, so he decided he would brave the left. As Chris passed his fallen comrades body he saw that he was holding something in his hand. He kneeled down and saw that it was a tape. He took the tape and went through the door on the left.  
  
The room was eerily silent. Directly in front of him was a birdcage with a dead raven inside it which was quite odd. He eyed a body on the floor and watched it warily as he walked by, half expecting it to make a grab for him. While his gaze fell downwards to the floor he saw two small green plants at the bottom of the stairs. 'Wonder what these are for?' he pondered. He took them anyway, they could be useful. Chris proceeded up the stairs and through a new door.  
This led him to a hallway about mid-step forward he caught glimpse of the corpse sprawled on the floor he nearly stepped on. A pitiful moan echoed down the hallway alerted him that he had disturbed someone else in the room other then the man lying inches beneath his boot. Slowly, very slowly he heard his would be assailants footfalls approaching, trying to find the source of the noise. He waited until he could clearly see the zombie then shot it in the head. The zombie collapsed in a pool of blood on the floor. Chris stepped over him and continued down the hall until he came across another statue, and again there was something that caught his attention in it. He got closer to inspect the shimmering object that drew his eye to begin with, it was an arrowhead but it didn't look like it quite belonged there. He removed it very easily and put it in his pocket.  
Moving down the hallway he came to two doors, he made for the left but it was locked. 'Guess I'm going in door number two then' he thought trying to ease his nerves a bit.  
He recognized where he was but this was a new perspective on things. He was in the upper tier of the dining room in a rectangular corridor overlooking the long table below. He looked up when he heard what was becoming the familiar moaning of a new zombie come to rip him to bite size shreds. He avoided the zombie deciding it wasn't even worth the bullets when the zombie seemed to be more inclined to walk into the railing then the walkway to get to him. He proceeded around his 'friend' here until he hit a new set of double doors that led back to the main hall. 'Here again? I feel like a lost rat in a maze' he thought as he went down the stairs. On the way down he noticed the door on the top of the first flight of stairs. He hadn't noticed it was a door before because it almost perfectly blended with the picture that surrounded it. He twisted the handle and pushed open the door.  
  
***That's all folks, for now anyway, wanna thank the usual readers for support and awesome conversation, and welcome Spider-Bear and SxyGrkDude to the lack of sanity that you two have become involved in. Side note to Spider-Bear, I really like your stories, Burning Flames of Love and Hate is great, I anxiously await more on that =)!!!! Ok next chapter will be here sooner, can't promise I'll spoil you with a 1k plus word chapter next round though. 


	5. Frustration

**Hi all, welcome back, I now give you chapter 5, I know it was a long wait and hopefully you will all remember me and think it was worth the wait then again maybe not... I have many many many things I work on so sometimes projects get pushed aside, Anywho enough delay I give you Chapter 5.... Remember CAPCOM loves you and their copyrights ;)  
  
Chapter 5 – Benefits of Frustration  
  
The cool breeze felt good to Chris after the stuffiness of the house but the distant howling of mutant dogs and the cawing of killer crows was enough to make him cautious. 'This graveyard setting isn't helping much either,' he thought as he descended the stairs. There was a fenced in area to his right that was locked. 'Aren't they always, why do I bother anymore...,' he thought to himself. He headed towards the other side of the graveyard, that's where the biggest statue was. On the statue there was a carving of what look liked a cherub or cupid, but there was an indentation where the arrowhead should've been. Then he remembered the stone that he picked up earlier. By this point he wasn't even sure if he knew where he had found it anymore. The stone slid into the groove with ease filling up the void that was now a turquoise shaped arrowhead, and a door slid open. 'I sincerely hate whoever built this place,' he said as he descended the stairs into the darkness below.  
  
At the bottom of the stairs was a chamber with four creepy looking face statues, a fireplace, and a coffin suspended from the ceiling by many thick chains. 'This is just bizarre and becoming trendy,' he thought. Then he noticed a purple book at the other end of the room. He walked over cautiously eyeing the coffin and was very careful to walk around it, not underneath it. The book, older and bound in leather, was titled The Book of Curse. Inside the book were some nice words of encouragement... The four masks. A mask that speaks no evil. A mask that smells no evil. A mask that sees no evil. A mask that speaks, smells and sees no evil. When all four fall into place evil above will awaken.  
  
'So...why do I want to put these masks "in place" so the "evil above will awaken" this does not sound promising...' he thought while his gaze was drawn upwards to the coffin. While he closed the book he felt something out of place on the back, he flipped the book over to reveal a key strapped to the back. The key had a sword etched into it at the top. 'Same as the markings on the doors' he thought with a sigh seriously wishing he could kill the people who came up with this shit.  
  
Chris returned to the room with the statue that had previously held the map and used the sword key on the door. The door opened into a hallway with too many windows for Chris' comfort. As he walked past the first window something lunged at it breaking a piece of glass inward that crashed and shattered on the floor making his heart jump nearly out his throat. He burst into a sprint not waiting for the rest of the window to give and didn't stop until he was upon the door at the end of the hallway.  
  
Once through the door he found himself in another hallway. At least this one didn't have windows. He walked towards the first door in the new hallway, and was stunned to find it was locked. With this he moved onto door number two, and much to his surprise it was open. He walked in and was kind of shocked to see that he was in a bathroom. It was a small personal bathroom and the first thing he noticed was there was a tub in front of him filled with dirty water. 'I think I'm just gonna leave that the way it is' he decided as he turned and left the room closing the door behind him.  
  
He continued down the hallway until he came to two doors and decided to take the right one. He took a few steps into the next hallway and was greeted by the all too familiar sound of moans coming from the end of the hall. He choose to quickly go through the nearest door, as he shut the door behind him he gazed down the hall and noticed a corridor on the right side and a stairwell leading upwards. This room also contained the hungry pitiful moans of zombies. 'Time to test my marksmanship' he thought as he proceeded down the hall gun ready.  
  
As he got closer to the turn at the end of the hallway the stench of the zombie was becoming overwhelming. It was like the smell of rotting road kill left in the sun to bake for much too long. He rounded the bend and brought his gun up and as soon as he spotted the zombie he promptly shot it in the head three times. As the first zombie collapsed his friend at the top of the stairs came into Chris' view only to be shot two times. Upon the second shot the zombies head exploded like a ripe melon splattering the hall with gray brain matter and a think almost congealed like blood. After Chris brought himself to stop staring at this truly gross spectacle he decided he wanted to leave this grossness behind him. Nothing could have prepared him for what was in the room at the bottom of the stairs.  
  
**This is short just like the beginning chappies but I have a plan instead of typing up one mega chapter for chapter 5 I'm gonna break down what I have and actually update on a decent schedule... look for Chapter 6 either tomorrow or Saturday folks hope you enjoyed sorry to leave off on such a cliff hangar but I ultimately think this will work out better. Love to all my readers, and welcome to newbie SabineBall7, you're so sweet to me, sorry for the long wait though. That carries to you all SORRY!!! Like I said Chappy 6 tomorrow or Sat. morning. Promise ;) 


	6. Special Instructions for Going Insane

** okay I finally did it people, I put on my Kare Kano soundtrack sat down and typed up what was already written, I apologize for the wait it was not intended just other circumstances made it work out like this, so onto Chapter 6 for those of you still with me here...  
  
Chapter 6 – Special Instructions for Going Insane  
  
He approached the typewriter and noticed a paper sticking out of it. He took the paper out and found three lines...  
  
You're all surely soon to die...Do-dah...Do-dah  
  
Chris recognized what this went with immediately and put it with the first note, and decided it was the creepiest thing in the zombie-ridden house. Well that and the mysteriously disappearing pie. "What the hell is going on here?" he thought to himself. Speaking of pie, he looked next to the typewriter to see that there was a whole pumpkin pie this time, not just one piece. Now under any other circumstances the pie would look pretty appetizing but after seeing the zombie's head explode, our hero wasn't up for eating anything. Looking around he noticed other items in the room as well. There was a kerosene container and fuel canteen. Seemed logical enough for those to be in the room together but what were they for? Chris gazed around some more and noticed some papers on top of a small table next to a large box.  
  
The first thing he noticed about the paper was the bloody footprint on it. The title was particularly catchy as well: Special Instructions When Disposing of Dead Bodies. He read the paper and thought with a bit of a grin "I have to try this one out." Upon filling the canteen and taking out his lighter he stepped outside of the room and walked over to the body of his zombie pal that didn't explode upon meeting his bullets. He poured the kerosene over the corpse and set it on fire. To his surprise the zombie burned very quickly. "This little trick could come in handy," he thought putting both the canteen and his lighter in his pocket before heading up the stairs.  
  
At the top of the stairs he stepped over the dead zombie and went through the door to the left, and found himself in yet another hallway. He made to the right and found a study. As he entered something shiny caught his attention out of the corner of his eye, and he discovered that it was a whistle. Next to it was a crumpled piece of paper. The memo informed the STARS member to blow the whistle on the balcony to call a dog with a special collar. "Great just great," he said. "We came in here to avoid the damn dogs, and now I'm calling them." He put the whistle in his pocket and realized he was quickly running out of pockets. He eyed a Botany Book on the table across from him; he picked it up, breezed through some of the pages and didn't understand a word of it. "Stupid herbs," he said as he turned and left the room.  
  
He continued down the hallway and stopped at the last door. He paused there because he could hear voices behind the door. He couldn't make out what they were saying but there were definitely live people behind the door. But true to form, it was locked. He inspected the lock and saw an armor emblem above the lock.  
  
Chris then crossed the main hall to the other side and up to the second floor of the dining room. He avoided the wandering zombie and went through the sword key door. There was a door to his left which was locked of course but it didn't have a sword or armor emblem on the lock like the others did. Frustrated and a bit exhausted with the same old bit with keys and emblems He backed up about halfway down the hallway and charged the door shoulder first. When he hit the door he felt it weaken, so he backed up and rammed it again. This time the frame gave and it swung open to reveal a large balcony.  
  
This must be where I blow the whistle... He did so and almost instantly heard the click of claws on the hard surface of the balcony but there was too much noise for just one dog. 'Oh great,' he thought raising his gun and ready for the worst. As soon as the first dog came into view he took aim and shot it several times until it finally went down, he then quickly switched his attentions to the second dog that had rounded the corner. Once they were dead he snatched the collar of the dog. He fiddled around with it until a small coin popped out of the tag on it. He examined that and then much to his surprised it took the shape of a thin and fairly unstable looking key. 'This can't be used on a door,' he thought, but he pocketed the key anyway.  
  
"I'm sick of this shit," he said "ya know what screw this." He went back to the door where he heard the voices and repeatedly kicked the door until it eventually swung open to reveal two very surprised and fearful faces...  
  
** That's all for now folks, I'm not promising anything anymore cause I feel really bad when I never make my own deadlines. Thanks to those of you who have stuck around, and the newbie for whom I thank you kindly for the words of praise. Feedback is appreciated. Many thanks to you all!!!!!!! 


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